Marty’s Santa Thesis
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Marty and I believe in Christmas—that is to say the holiday when we celebrate the birth of baby Jesus. The Christmas imposter known as Santa Clause, on the other hand, I loathe with all my being. How can anyone else not see the facts? He is an evil, evil sorcerer. Don’t believe me, eh? I’ve compiled a list of ten grievances against him that I would like the pope to read. Please take this real seriously. You are the pope! You need to stay on top of these things.
1. The new Santa killed the original Santa Clause
It’s true. There was a real Santa a long time ago. He was a saint named Saint Nick—travelled to America with Columbus and all that. But, does anyone call him that anymore? Does even Santa call himself that anymore? No, because he is not a saint. He is an imposter in Santa’s clothing. He took his identity and moved right in. Who is this traitor to Christmas you ask? I’ve done my research on Google. He’s the Krampus. It’s for sure. Look it up! He now has this world right where he wants it, too. Read on and you’ll see.
2. The new ‘Santa’ is the cause of the Commercial Christmas
He doesn’t need to force his ‘elves’ to make thousands of toys made of wood and plastic. He used to, many years ago. But today, he made a deal with the business world, like Macy’s, Walmart, Amazon, you name it! They all bow to him. JCPenny, Target, and even all of Wall Street—Santa controls them all. He is the greed that binds them. He created Black Friday! He is the Christmas rush to buy, buy, buy presents, presents and more presents! Santa brainwashed millions to believe that material things were more important than Jesus Christ’s birthday!
3. He is always watching
That song! Have you ever really listened to it, word for word? His minions made it as a secret warning to us all! You all know it. ‘You better watch out, you better not cry. You better not pout, I’m telling you why. Santa Clause is coming to town!” He’s watching us, always! He can see your children. He can see you reading this right now! Just hear the words! “He sees you when you’re sleeping! He knows when you’re awake! He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!” Those who stand against him, disappear.
4. He bribes us kids to obey him
So, how easier to keep us under control as a society? Start with the kids. Presents don’t have anything to do with celebrating baby Jesus. It’s not in the bible to exchange expensive gifts! It’s all just a big scheme to keep us believing in this new Santa Clause, instead of focusing on the real meaning of the holiday. He made us all greedy! That’s for sure. Krampus used to steal ‘bad’ kids away and kill them. He has changed his very hostile ways into a much more cunning scheme to control us, not kill us.
5. He runs a sweatshop
Elves? Seriously? I know elves and those things look more like tiny people than elves. They’re actually people who spoke out against him and now must do his bidding. They all work in a sweatshop in a secret location known as the ‘North Pole.’ Probably somewhere in Greenland. Now, he forces them to assemble all our stupid things. Ipods, laptops, DVDs, even Christmas ornaments. ‘You better watch out,’ as they say. You could be next! I could be next!
6. He is a sorcerer
How does a man fit into a chimney to break into our houses? I don’t even have a chimney, but he made it in somehow! A sorcerer! He flies and can be at any one place at any given time? Teleportation! Also, he is like a ghost. No one has ever really seen him. Invisibility! He never ages anymore, either! He’s, like, a thousand years old! Still fat? Same old outfit? Does he wear that everywhere, even in Pakistan? Shape shifter! Sorcerer, for sure.
7. He is also a propaganda expert
Every Christmas season, it’s the same thing. Go sit on Santa’s lap. No way! I am sitting on no stranger’s lap, let alone a thug in a ‘Santa’ costume sent by the sorcerer himself: the Krampus! He likes to be in posters and in songs and kiss little children on his lap. That’s crazy! And parents just allow this? Who knows where that lap has been! Who’s to say they’re not pedophiles? He thinks he can fool people into believing that he is cute and will give toys to whatever us kids will ask for? Clever trick, right? Well, he didn’t pull one on ol’ Marty! I’m the top in my class! I don’t get fooled easy.
8. He stole Christmas from baby Jesus
People are so afraid to recognize that Christmas is for Jesus. It’s sad enough for the Krampus to take advantage of everyone’s ignorance and make it a taboo. I know that little Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas all the way back when. I get it. But ‘we choose this day to honor him,’ as my religious teacher says. At least educate the fools about the real Saint Nick! Then, maybe they’ll all see the truth in it! ‘Keep Christ in Christmas,’ as my step-twin likes to say.
9. He convinced the world that he does not exist
They say that the devil’s greatest trick was convincing the world that he did not exist. Well, that’s what ‘Santa’ did, right? He convinced everyone that he’s just a myth, except for us dumb kids on Christmas. Thanks to all you adults for playing right into that imposter’s hand!
10. Santa is a code name for the devil
The Krampus has taken Santa for a simple reason: ‘Santa’ is jumbled for ‘Satan.’ Go ahead, mix the letters around. I rest my case. Help us, Your Excellency. You’re our only hope.
p.s. Do I get a reward for telling you all this? Just asking, because my Christmas stocking might not be so full this year. I’m just too smart. I know too much. I guess ignorance really is bliss.